My life story

Friday, 30 November 2012

So... let's step aside, sit back... take a deep breath and look through everything...

...The time is ticking and it's already 1st of December. Just in 30 more days to go and we're off to a new year! Awwyeahh..! and in five more days all of my friends that is taking SPM(Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia) this year will be free. For your information, SPM is one of the most painful examination you must take when you are on your fifth year of high school. Yeah... everyone in Malaysia hates it. While your family are sitting at home waiting nervously for your results to come out since it define, well almost everything, and you, there, sitting in the examination hall feeling like you just wanna take a piss or worse, shit just as every second pass by. 

Duhh~ examination... it doesn't matter what type of exam it is, it's still painful. And the most funny thing is, most student kept on complaining and posting how stress they are in Facebook or Twitter but didn't actually do anything to help themselves. Well, high-five! That's what happen to me. I said that I would study and I'm so stress but I didn't do anything. I only find my way to my books during the eleventh-hour only to find out that I don't understand anything because I never really study!

Oh yeahh... it's really disturbing. :( I never really put my head on my study this year. I was sidetracked... Well, I wouldn't say that what I am this year wasn't really me since well, it's always been me all this time. Yeah I know, everyone's been saying that I've changed. It's about the decision that I had made is what had changed me. I don't blame anybody nor myself. Well, come on everyone, wasn't making mistakes is all just part of the learning curve in life? 

As we explore life deeper, there's a lot of choices lay along the way and you had to make a pick. Well, not all of them are good but not all of are that bad as well. Once you had made your pick, another road will appear on your way and that's how it goes.

I remember 2 years ago when I was 14, I was full of ambitions. I felt that I'm so strong and sure... Believing that life is a nice little package I hold in my hand....

When I was 11, I had stop believing in fairytale and happy endings because at that age, my world has fall apart. That's when my cute little happily ever after life ends when my father became paralyzed. Life was hard back then... and after my dad had passed away, my mum and I spent almost 2 years living together just both of us. A lot of things happen as the years goes by... All rough, bad and full of tears. I started to realize how terrifying life is. How tough and rough the world is... Betrayal, lies, hopelessness all in one. You know that kind of feelings when you feel like flying then suddenly you fall down and was smashed to the ground? And it wasn't enough, then a table fall on you. Oh yeah, that's how it was back then. It seems like all bad news, problems and pain kept on shooting us like a riffle.

But mum was strong.. if it wasn't because of her, I wouldn't be standing on earth until today. She said, "as long as you can stand, you gotta keep on fighting." All those years until I was 13, my life was always filled with tears. Nothing ever went right. Everything is bad, sad and will eventually lead to tears.

When I was 14, I stop crying. My tears had dried... No tears can ever come out off my eyes. I just felt tired and sick of everything and I was full of hatred. Basically, I hate everyone back then... I hate life, I hate myself.. I hate everything!

.....skip the story....well... eventually things started to change as I decide to become strong. And with spiritual strength and some motivation, I build up my world once again. A different one of course. Things went perfectly fine... yeah you know that kind of feeling like a newborn butterfly. Not to brag but I got 11 A's out of 12 subjects when I was 14. That's how it changed... Then, skip... skip... skip...

Things started to went wrong when I fell in love when I was 15. Well, not that I never fell in love before that but it was long ago. I had totally forgotten how it feels since well, how many years I had been kept in a prison with bars of pain and tears and also hatred.

...Skip the story... well, I get disappointed on that love story. Then I sat around and think how stupid I have been. I was sidetracked from my ambition, an ambition to change my fate(yeah, that's big). I wanted to change my life therefore I had to be a successful person. I study like hell for that but when I fell in love, I lose my focus. I just forgot what's important and what's not. With all my falling performance in school, I decided to build it back. And in the last minute, I started to focus and get back on the track. Thank God, I got straight A's for that.

Happy ending? Oww.. not yet. Moving on to when I was 16 equal to this year, Hmm... what to say... If life is a roller coaster ride, I think the rail that I'm going through this year is the craziest among all the years I had passed by. Too much going on's in my life... Happy, sad, weird, new, exciting, you name it. And to ask that whether I'm in love with the same person, the answer is NO. Thank God, I've moved on. I fell in love with another person this time. Anyway, the focus isn't on my love story because it was sad too. Duhh~~ Let's skip that part too.

You know that kind of feelings when you get over the moon in a day just to discover that the moon smashed on your face the next day? Oh yeah.. I get a lot of that. Today I was so happy.. everything went perfectly right and I am even singing Smile by Avril Lavinge with a whole heart just to get destroyed the next day. And everything that's been happening all went so fast that I lost track. About my ambitions, goals and focus? Yeah, I'm totally lost. I don't know where I am anymore and I don't know how to get back on the track. Study? That's the last thing I ever care about and I know how stupid I am for that. I'm signing a death warrant for my self.

How did I get here? Again, it's all about choice. Crazy right? You know, anything that you want to happen can happen if you choose to make it happen. And I had chose to walk on this path to discover how rough it was. And I started to get stressed over all this feelings stuff where what matters most is my family and my goals. I had stop becoming a person that walk for no reason on earth years ago and now I am becoming that person back. This can't be happening! I don't stand without a plan!. So that's the point.. I just had to believe that I am strong and I'm gonna get back on my path. I'm not gonna let some nonsense things got me sidetracked, ever, AGAIN!

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