Changing and the idea of LOVE

Monday, 9 April 2012

Hello people! How was life lately? Ohh... gosh... how I miss sharing my thought with you all. I abandoned my blog mainly because, well... same thing same excuses, busy. The second reason is that, lately I think my brain froze like an ice that is under -100 degree Celsius if you can imagine how solid that is.

Again, when I'm here, there's got to be something going on that's making me wanna share what's on my mind. Lately, I just can't think of anything. Well, I can think, but I just can't make out of it. There's so much going on and it took like forever to sort everything's out. Truthfully, my life this year had unexpectedly turned out to be, should I say, awesome? Yeahh... I tried so many new things and I'm breaking all my rules! Well, 16 people, I just don't know what's got into me.

Anyway, overall, everything is incredible except for one thing. True, just because one single drop of an ink, a whole jar of milk screwed. But yet, I am happy and very contented with my current life. It's fun opening all these doors that leads me to another side of life that I never think of to go. But yet, I made a mistake. I forgot, that once, I have opened one of these doors but closed it back. Locked it and promised that I'll never ever gonna opened it until I'm off for real thing. And it is a door that had a label, "IN RELATIONSHIP".

For the record, I broke a heart once. And now, I'm stupidly letting the history to repeat itself. I'm so stupid. I know I'm not ready, but I accept him. It's not that I don't love the guy, but I'm just not serious to commit in this relationship. And its making me feel bad every time.

I don't know what I'm doing. Honestly, I don't know me anymore. With breaking all my rules (though I enjoyed it), I forgot what a girl I used to be. I forgot 'Who I Am' anymore. I'm drowned with all these joy. I've forgotten that no matter what, I'm still gonna be me. That girl who take life as a serious matter and not just a roller coaster ride. A girl with a big dream and goal to achieve in her life. I tried to be a lousy girl that says "WHATEVER" to problems, but yet, I realized, I can't change that PRACTICAL personality that I possessed. I'm too aware to act stupid or be stupid. I tried to, because it does looked fun (well... teenager minds), but NO! I can't change anything about me without feeling bad doing it. I can't remove that ambitious, ego, "FIRST THINGS FIRST" and "PERFECTION's PRIORITY" kind of girl out of me. A girl that cares about one's feelings like a  fragile glass. And looked after everything and make sure that everything is going on perfectly as she wished. A girl that has her own stance and do things on her own way and make it awesome.

Without realizing it, I'm corroding my self to get something that doesn't mean anything for my age. And that is what's been popularly called puppy love or young love. Whatever it is, the idea used to be stupid in my point of view. And it still does until now. I mean, at this age? What use is it to commit into a relationship with someone where you are still blurred whether you wanna marry the person or not. Or worse! You don't want to. Just looking for experiences. Just so that, you are not single. Duhh... again, its such a stupid idea. That's the problem with the people nowadays. They have a whole stupid idea about love. I guess they forgot, that God labelled LOVE as something Holy. And when it does, it means, you can't play with it unless you really want something out from it. You don't make love as something to be used so that you own the person or to protect your reputation or as an experiment substance. If you really like the person, or think that you love the person, you don't have to be in a relationship to save that feelings. Just enjoyed it and don't get hooked. By this, you can also save yourself from misusing the Holy gift of God and that is LOVE.

Anyway, what happened to me now, its all because of love. I'm one of those people who can't divide their emotions with life. I've been strong for too long but last year, all my walls are falling apart when I fell in love with this one guy. Which is, a mistake that I can't avoid. I don't know what voodoo potion he drank (Just kidding) until I became so weak that starting from that moments, I let love emotions to dominate my life. I tried to get over it so hard and because of that, I started to try new things. I became more social. Its seems like I'm trying to prove something to someone but I don't know what it is and to whom. I became very stupid and I let my self to be. Then, from that, it leads to another story, then to another, then another and finally, the end product is, here I am, LIKE CRAP. I felt so low. I used to be proud and value my self so much but now? I felt like nothing but a crap. Maybe I should just said to my self, "Ahh... whatever. Relax girl..". Well, I've said that a lot and see what I am now. Maybe, that kind of what they said, 'COMFORTING' words, may work for a lot of people, but that's just not the way my life worked.

And now, all I can say is that, I'm determined to make things right. Well, I can't live knowing that something in my life isn't working perfectly. Well, call me, Ms. Perfect or Ms. Fussy, 'cause, that's just me. The good thing is, I know now, what I want and most importantly, what I am. Maybe, all of this, is just part of the journey, the quest of finding my identity.

Inspirational words
Pace yourself.
Life should not be like a marathon
That we rush to finish.
It is a journey, a pilgrimage of sorts
and the finish line will never be reached.
Consider life to be more like a relay race.
As we pass through on this life and on to the next
it is like passing a baton or torch to the next generation.
We will then go to our final rest knowing
that we participated grandly and that
our contribution to the world
was worthy.


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