My hollow heart

Monday, 28 November 2011

I was thinking, of how much longer I could stand this...


Sometimes, I think I'm strong enough to overcome whatever odds on my way, but at times, I realize of how much I fake everything. My smile, my joy...

I've been running all this while. I think I'm stupid enough to fall in love. I think I'm so weak for falling in love. I feel so helpless that I can't control my feelings. I feel helpless that I can't stop my self for wanting him. I mean, not wanting him in a negative way(LOL), I want to spend time with him. Precious time, where I can really enjoy it. Without the guilty feelings, and rush.

The thought that I'll never gonna have it, makes me feel so hollow inside. I act as though I don't care with a motto, "I'm not gonna die anyway", but deep inside, I'm sad. There's a hollow feelings that really can't be explained. Oh, I'm so weak....

I look at the people around me, and wonder..."Why, did they had a chance to enjoy the moments with the one they love.? They had a chance to be together...oh how I wish..". But I always stop there. I didn't dare to think further. I don't want to be weak for wanting something that I can't have. In my life, I only believe the fact that I can have everything. Including joy and love. But true, I'm defeated by the phrase, "Love is stronger than everything." You can't have it when it's not for you...

Oh...why... why does this happen to me? Why did love chose for me to love him.? My friends felt funny for me to love him, me too... It's stupid, It is the stupid thing ever happened in my life. Even though I think that it was a mistake, I did not dare to think of it that way, for LOVE is God's best gift.

This experience is the hurtful thing that really hounds me almost the whole year. I don't understand why this happens. It's funny and it's stupid. I don't know why did God set it to be this way. But yet, I believe that there must be something good behind this. I believe... I believe...

I really want to do something about it. For this feelings is going to explode very soon. I feel like I can't stand it any longer... To tell the truth, I am a selfish girl. To me, the world is mine. I almost never care others feelings and needs. But true, love is powerful, because of love,  I chose this way because I didn't want someone to get hurt. I feel weird about it. I overcome my anger and forgive fully, because I love. I don't want to stole anybody's happiness. Though I never care about that before, but love had changed it.

The other reason that I chose to hurt my self is because I love Jesus. I love Him so much that I don't want Him to get hurt just because I want my worldly LOVE to be fulfilled.

I pray... sobbing but with a full sincere heart.."Jesus, You know what I feel for this boy and You know what I want. But no Jesus, hurt me...hurt me so bad and avoid anything to happen for me to further this love. But never You. Never let me hurt You Jesus, never. I'm enough of hurting You all this while, but not again. Hurt my heart so bad but never You. Never let me break Your heart Jesus, but break mine for You..Amen..."

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