What should I do after SPM?

Monday, 24 March 2014

Life life life !!! You can choose to get drown or fight to swim to the surface and survive. Now I'm 18, officially a young adults, and honestly, I still had no idea about life. It's funny to think that I'm too tired to continue living. We had had our SPM results last 20th March, it was quite good for me. However I do aware of those unsatisfied people because of our SPM last year was fairly unfair. Yes, I do honestly admit that it was in fact, unfair. Very. But what to do? That's what happen in our batch and we're just merely victims of the consequences. If you were in our shoes what would you do? Okay, I don't care what you do and you can stomp your feet or bang your head to the wall and that won't change anything. Past is past.

To be honest, I still had no idea what to do after this. I had applied a few, and I'm leaving it all into God's hand. I really wanna express what I had go through for the last 8 month and what I have learned through it, but I just can't find a word to describe it! And by the way, my English is getting worse *huhh* It's kinda hard to get my self focused and remember things. My brain is just, untrained! Well, that's understandable since what I do since the last 4 months just after SPM is struggling in my personal problem. It's sickening.

I tried to observe the adults, what did they actually do and what is their target in this life actually? What are they aiming for? Well, during school life, I am guided. Everyone is aiming for the best grades and excellent performances and all we have to do is follow the steps we are told in order to reach that aim. Then what happen after school? All I see is that, most of us are lost. No directions and I know why, we don't know what we actually want. During school life, everyone is pushing us to have ambitions so that when we came to this phase of life, we will know what to do. Well honestly, I don't see how that helped at all.

Just thought about it, since we were little, all in our head is that, we want to be what we thought cool in our eyes and to the society where we will be praised and looked up to. And what's that? Oh well you know... rockstars... celebrities... models. That's fine, we still can make money with that. But then, we aren't guided towards our ambitions. You see, you don't blow your head with addmaths, physics, chemistry, and biology stuff just to get on stage and bang your head with the music. I kinda question this a lot when I'm still in school. And I remember those times where the teachers would ask the class what is their ambitions and when I said I wanna be a flight attendant, everyone laugh. Why? Because we were in science class and I'm among those good students so everybody thinks that it's kinda ridiculous. They said, "Why do you wanna be the attendant when you are able to become a pilot?". Well, because that's what I wanna do! I wanted to wear cool uniforms and attend people and not get stuck with the gears and fly the plane itself.

Actually, they kinda think it's a waste I struggle to achieve good grades just to be something that only need lower requirements. Well, to be a flight attendant all you need is to be excellent in your languages, meet the physical requirements and that's all. What for you kill yourself in science stuff when it's not even what's needed. But hey, in school, science stream is the coolest class and when you're in that class, of course you want to be the top too. Honestly, that's all I know. To do the best with what I have.

But now, I seriously had no idea what is the best anymore. Is it to become a Doctor? Engineers? Dentists? I know what you think, all those are bests. But then, there's something else to consider. The job demands, the pay, and how it will affect your life afterwards. You see, to become an engineer you may always be in fields, and what about your time to be at home and chills? Though the pay is handsome but is it worth my good time with my family and friend? Where am I gonna spend my money anyway without them. To be a Doctor, you may always be on call. Dentists is the best, but then it's hard to get a place. You can't be all of those too if you don't come from wealthy family and to get a scholarship plays with fate as well. The competitions have to be considered as well. And honestly, without real hard work and sacrifices, being all those wouldn't mean a thing. They say, if you are aiming for the moon so that if you miss you might hit a star, then make sure you have enough strength to make your arrows of 'strive' reach the sky first.

So dear friends and family, who had just got your results and are looking for your next direction, consider these things for your choice of careers. Your passion, your abilities and capabilities (Your real capabilities okay), the job demands, the pay, and how it may affect your life afterwards. Choose wisely, and once you have made your choice, do it, finish it! Don't do things in halfway manners. Be completely certain of what you are doing and you will appear strong and inspire others. *SMILE*

It's holiday!

Thursday, 23 May 2013

Heyyo fellas! Here we are! It's the semester break man! Weeeehooooo! If you are a Malaysian student, you  have a reason to jump on your bed with Dance Again-Jennifer Lopez's song! Aweeeeyeahhhh! ! !

Haha. What makes me happy most is the fact that semester one examination had passed. Can you believe it? Three weeks being mentally brutally tormented, I finally get over it! Hahh~ life as a Form 5 student is totally such a torture.

So, the fact that holidays are here, I am now trapped in a dilemma on what to do with it. Ugh~ I'm kinda sad and frustrated because a lot of plan didn't work out but yeah, there's nothing I could do about it anyway. It's funny when I felt like throwing punches and screamed and maybe felt like crying when what I've been hoping for to have this holiday, none of them worked out. But still, I can never change God's will. I know I shouldn't blame anybody anyway for any failure in anything. Been thinking about working out new plans though to make this holiday bloom! Oh-yeahhh.

I just hope that I can find courage to reconnect with people and lighten up a bit my cyber life considering that  they were almost dead because I'm too busy with school.

And oh! Just now, I had a short nap over frustration and guess what! I had a dream... and it teaches me something! The details are private, but the messages are like this, "Never let your own selfish wills exceeds your love". To elaborate, it tells me that I shouldn't let my frustrations over the smallest things ruin everything. Just because I felt unsatisfied, I started to blame and forgotten all the blessings that God had given me. Those blessings where He had given chances to know and be connected to such an unusually nice friend, and sweet as well as caring in his own ways. :) There might be more awesome people out there, but I do believe that none of them have the same characters as he does. God also had blessed me with chances to live memories that I will not have with other people other than this one friend of mine. So what can be more incredible than that? So, I woke up, filled with feelings of forgiveness, love and a new awareness! What an another beautiful blessing!

The best feelings is when you
realize your blessings :)

Are you sure that you're not desperate?

Saturday, 18 May 2013

Lately, it seems like everyone is trying to tell the world that behind their smile, they're crying inside. It's pretty much sounds like this, "Behind every smile is a heart that is broken with tears".

Okay, I can relate. I mean, yeah, I believe in this life everyone had felt that way in one way and another. But hey, putting that as your bio or self description on your profile? What are you trying to say? I'm sure that you want people to know that you're broken inside, yes, but what are you expecting?

Most of the people who's been doing this are girls. I admit, I did retweet those quotes in twitter countless times and like statuses that sound pretty much like that in facebook. But that's because I can relate. I'm sure, sometimes you do that because actually you're trying to tell someone that you're hurt because of them but you hide it all in your smile. You can't tell the person exactly how you feel and it broke your heart the person seems to did not notice that they had hurt you. So, you posted those lines in your facebook status and may as well, tweet it in hope that, 'that someone' saw it and can relate so that they'll understand what they did.

But then, you realize, that the person hasn't change! You started to think, "Hmm.... maybe he didn't saw it." So, you put it in your bio in twitter or put it as your cover photos in facebook! So that, this time, there's no reason that the person will NOT SEE IT! So you waited... Hours passed... Days passed... and weeks passed... And what do you get?

It may result in two ways, bad way, the person did not realize it at all. Good way, the person finally realize it on one magically day and text you, "Hey I'm sorry that I hurt you all this time. I'm stupid and selfish and bla.. bla..." Sounds familiar? And you go like, "YAYY~ He finally did realize!". But then, what? Does it really makes you happy that he feel bad? Well, you might did but I also believe that it won't last long. Why? Because the person is still the same. Blepp.... He just realize it and it doesn't mean that he will change. Ha-ha.

Let me tell you one secret girls! First of all, boys did not reciprocate things the way we girls did. They don't see things the way we did as well. Understand this and accept it. They're very ego. I believe that the first time you posted those things, and show signs that you felt miserable though you didn't say it, they already know it. Well, just in case this boy might be freaking insensitive, he might didn't, but yet, he's a boy, and he's ego and nobody can change that, not EVEN YOU! Even once he realize that he did wrong, he might feel bad, but that doesn't prove anything that he'll change.

I understand what you girls feel for the person that you really love. Once you are emotionally attached to a boy, you'll do ANYTHING to protect your relationship. But hey, is it worth it if the person does not appreciate it? You wasted so many days getting angry and he's insensitive. It's like he doesn't care! Well, if he's showing signs that he doesn't care, than he might just didn't care. So stop. People like that doesn't worth anything at all. Not your attention, not your affection, not your time, NOT YOUR ANYTHING! Girls, please. Pause a while and think about your self worth. Think about why you get hurt in the first place? It's because, you allow yourself to.

If a boy really care for you and are afraid to lose you, he'll come back to you in time. When things went wrong, just sit back and give him time to cool down his ego. He probably just need some space. Pushing him and keep nagging won't bring things anywhere. Sometimes, we girls are just afraid that during those intervals, what if he finds someone else? Well, if he did, he'll still come back to you once he understand your worth. By the way, you can't keep him away for yourself no matter how you try. He's still are going to see many girls everyday in school or just anywhere and it all depends on him on how he will react. Don't worry girls, they have their own brains. They know exactly who they love and who love them too. Its not like just by interacting with other girls in no matter what way, he will change just like that! Trust me, if you're nice enough and understand him well, nothing can change his feelings for you. But if you won't give him space, and keep nagging, he'll assume that you don't understand him and he'll probably been thinking that you're not the one. Scary?

No matter what you think or what your doubts and worries are, never show it. If you have that feelings that he must knows what you feels, then tell him directly! Don't play mind games. If you're mad at him for things that he did, then show it so that he won't repeat it. Boys hate mind games. Once they get tired, they'll quit and that's the end of it. It's kinda hard to change their mind after that.

But hey boys? Let me tell you one secret too! Not every girls gonna love you like truly love you that they'll do anything for you and keep accepting and push herself to understand you. Girls always have one person in their heart. If she felt miserable when things went wrong, that means you're the only person in the world that can make her feel that way. But hey, that can change too! And once girls change their mind, chase them like hell, and she won't come back. You know those phrase, "You don't give a shit, I won't too. Go to hell boy." , once girls are ready to say those lines, she really won't give a shit anymore.

Lastly, girls! Please never be desperate just about anything. You're too precious for that. I'm sure that you know that boys do not appreciate desperate girls. I don't know why, but they just don't. Never act! What you have to do, is keep everything simple. Showing that you love him by telling him and acting like so is more than enough. You are never wrong if you don't owe him anything. If he started to not to give a shit about your relationship anymore, ask him, and let him know how bad you feel in a polite and steady way. Not in an angry and accusing way! If he don't give a shit on that, then stop. Make it balance by waiting for him to respond to you first. Never let the effort comes from you only. There are no such things such as, "Hey, I see that you are not desperate enough so I won't give a shit unless you prove to me that you are desperate." If you have this kind of mentality and if its what keep pushing you to do this and that for the person, then, that person deserves to die. He shouldn't do that to the person he loves. And hey, this applies to boys too! 


Be certain on your own principles.

Answering your questions.....---- Truth!

Saturday, 16 March 2013

Why are you so sad lately? Did someone break your heart?
Well, first of all, thanks for noticing that I'm sad. Yes I am. But did someone break my heart? I don't know. Maybe? But I think it's just me that think too much. But actually, I got things which is too personal to be shared with anybody. Yeap, TOO PERSONAL. Which means, they can't be shared with anybody just yet. And the last person that I wanted to talk to is unavailable, so yes, that makes me sad. :p

Why you looked so depressed? That is just so not you.
Yeah, I know. Looking so defeated by the situation is just so not me. Honestly, I don't know. Everything felt so out of control lately. I just don't know what to do! Mainly because I really can't do anything and that makes me feel miserable. You know, having that kind of things that you desperately wanted to make it right but are unable to do so because there's no way to it? Yeah, that sucks. A LOT. I am trying. Trying to keep it cool, but it still sucks though. Sometimes when I'm sitting around wondering and without knowing it, I'm frowning over my thought and you caught me. And yeah, I know, I looked miserable. Blep

Why are you avoiding people lately? You don't even stop by to shake hands like you usually do.
Yeah, I know. Lately, almost nobody saw me when I'm going to church, and yeah, I didn't stop by to shake hands and have a little chat. But don't get me wrong, I am not avoiding anybody. I mean, why would I? I miss everybody! Actually, I'm in a rush. I need to get home as soon as I can. Don't ask why, I have my reason.

Yeah right. I saw you in town or etc.
Well, if I'm walking alone, I have business to settle. And if you saw me with company, usually family members, then you got me. That is my business. Even though we looked like shopping, or enjoying our moment, but actually, there are business behind it. No questions, I can't tell what is it because they are TOO PERSONAL and I'm not gonna tell no matter how. Not yet.

You are easily pissed and get easily frustrated!
Ha-ha. Wait, wasn't it was  just me? I thought I am easily pissed all this time. LOL. Yet, I get asked a lot about that lately. Maybe because I get pissed over the smallest matter. Hehe... Well, sorry, if I offend you in any way. Maybe I raised my voice, or rolled my eyes, or ignoring you when you are talking, or saying awful things to you, I am very very sorry. I'm not saying that I don't realize that. I know it but that doesn't mean, I meant to hurt you too! I will not beg you too understand me either. Just to let you know, sometimes I just can't control it, or maybe just don't feel like controlling it because it felt like it was the best thing to do that would make me feel better. I know, selfish right? But there are so many things going on in my head. You know, I can't even have a proper laugh! My mood could shift in a split of second! Like I am going crazy. Huhh~ on the edge of depression, hoho.... that sucks. But really, I am not asking like you don't have feelings, but I hope you won't take anything seriously. Seriously, for your sake.

Your tweet are so depressing. Like you were so disappointed with someone.
Well, Ha-ha, you got me. I know, it was that obvious. You know, you usually posted things that sometimes, you hoped that, 'that' someone would saw and understand that it was meant for them. Classic right? It's an old trick but somehow, they just works. At times. Maybe. I think. To catch some attention? Yes, maybe. I mean, yeah! LOL. It's a shame. Blep. Don't tell me. I used to confront the person when I got something concerning them, but you know what? I end up looking needy! Especially when I tried to talk and tell the person something, but they just seem to, you know... act like they just don't care and yeah, I am not satisfied with their feedback! What more if the person suddenly stop replying my text and then the next day saying sorry because this and that, or worse, said that they fell asleep! Okay, you can tell me you fell asleep if we were talking about Vin Diesel or crap, but when I'm talking personal, you don't end up saying sorry to me the next morning because you fell asleep. And then, don't make me feel guilty if I'm mad because its just a small matter to you. To me, they are not small, at all. If it makes me feel bad, NO, they are not okay AT ALL! Anyway, these are not the main thing. They are just some eanie weanie matters that bugged my mind. The main matters, will remain secrets.

And you know what...
Don't keep saying that you feel bad just about everything and keep saying sorry, then disappear again! Just do it.! When you said that, you wish you could be there for someone, don't say it. Just be there. Even though you can't be there physically, text more or call. It is counted as being there. I mean, you said that you wanted to be there right? Then act like it. It's better you don't say anything when you can't even prove what you were saying. You will only end up making the person felt even more terrible and distrust you. If you're just saying sorry because you felt terrible that you make a person feel bad, then I tell you, that is a very selfish move. You're not making the person feel better, you're making them feel more miserable.  Especially me. "..You're so wrong believe me when you told me you would never leave me by myself, out in the middle of nowhere.."-Selena said. Seriously, don't lie to me. Don't say things that you can't really do or meant or promised me anything just to make me feel better cause that would add my weigh of mind. True facts. 

*Wasn't meant to offend. But you know, just so you know.*

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