It's holiday!

Heyyo fellas! Here we are! It's the semester break man! Weeeehooooo! If you are a Malaysian student, you  have a reason to jump on your bed with Dance Again-Jennifer Lopez's song! Aweeeeyeahhhh! ! !

Haha. What makes me happy most is the fact that semester one examination had passed. Can you believe it? Three weeks being mentally brutally tormented, I finally get over it! Hahh~ life as a Form 5 student is totally such a torture.

So, the fact that holidays are here, I am now trapped in a dilemma on what to do with it. Ugh~ I'm kinda sad and frustrated because a lot of plan didn't work out but yeah, there's nothing I could do about it anyway. It's funny when I felt like throwing punches and screamed and maybe felt like crying when what I've been hoping for to have this holiday, none of them worked out. But still, I can never change God's will. I know I shouldn't blame anybody anyway for any failure in anything. Been thinking about working out new plans though to make this holiday bloom! Oh-yeahhh.

I just hope that I can find courage to reconnect with people and lighten up a bit my cyber life considering that  they were almost dead because I'm too busy with school.

And oh! Just now, I had a short nap over frustration and guess what! I had a dream... and it teaches me something! The details are private, but the messages are like this, "Never let your own selfish wills exceeds your love". To elaborate, it tells me that I shouldn't let my frustrations over the smallest things ruin everything. Just because I felt unsatisfied, I started to blame and forgotten all the blessings that God had given me. Those blessings where He had given chances to know and be connected to such an unusually nice friend, and sweet as well as caring in his own ways. :) There might be more awesome people out there, but I do believe that none of them have the same characters as he does. God also had blessed me with chances to live memories that I will not have with other people other than this one friend of mine. So what can be more incredible than that? So, I woke up, filled with feelings of forgiveness, love and a new awareness! What an another beautiful blessing!

The best feelings is when you

realize your blessings :)

Are you sure that you're not desperate?

Lately, it seems like everyone is trying to tell the world that behind their smile, they're crying inside. It's pretty much sounds like this, "Behind every smile is a heart that is broken with tears".

Okay, I can relate. I mean, yeah, I believe in this life everyone had felt that way in one way and another. But hey, putting that as your bio or self description on your profile? What are you trying to say? I'm sure that you want people to know that you're broken inside, yes, but what are you expecting?

Most of the people who's been doing this are girls. I admit, I did retweet those quotes in twitter countless times and like statuses that sound pretty much like that in facebook. But that's because I can relate. I'm sure, sometimes you do that because actually you're trying to tell someone that you're hurt because of them but you hide it all in your smile. You can't tell the person exactly how you feel and it broke your heart the person seems to did not notice that they had hurt you. So, you posted those lines in your facebook status and may as well, tweet it in hope that, 'that someone' saw it and can relate so that they'll understand what they did.

But then, you realize, that the person hasn't change! You started to think, "Hmm.... maybe he didn't saw it." So, you put it in your bio in twitter or put it as your cover photos in facebook! So that, this time, there's no reason that the person will NOT SEE IT! So you waited... Hours passed... Days passed... and weeks passed... And what do you get?

It may result in two ways, bad way, the person did not realize it at all. Good way, the person finally realize it on one magically day and text you, "Hey I'm sorry that I hurt you all this time. I'm stupid and selfish and bla.. bla..." Sounds familiar? And you go like, "YAYY~ He finally did realize!". But then, what? Does it really makes you happy that he feel bad? Well, you might did but I also believe that it won't last long. Why? Because the person is still the same. Blepp.... He just realize it and it doesn't mean that he will change. Ha-ha.

Let me tell you one secret girls! First of all, boys did not reciprocate things the way we girls did. They don't see things the way we did as well. Understand this and accept it. They're very ego. I believe that the first time you posted those things, and show signs that you felt miserable though you didn't say it, they already know it. Well, just in case this boy might be freaking insensitive, he might didn't, but yet, he's a boy, and he's ego and nobody can change that, not EVEN YOU! Even once he realize that he did wrong, he might feel bad, but that doesn't prove anything that he'll change.

I understand what you girls feel for the person that you really love. Once you are emotionally attached to a boy, you'll do ANYTHING to protect your relationship. But hey, is it worth it if the person does not appreciate it? You wasted so many days getting angry and he's insensitive. It's like he doesn't care! Well, if he's showing signs that he doesn't care, than he might just didn't care. So stop. People like that doesn't worth anything at all. Not your attention, not your affection, not your time, NOT YOUR ANYTHING! Girls, please. Pause a while and think about your self worth. Think about why you get hurt in the first place? It's because, you allow yourself to.

If a boy really care for you and are afraid to lose you, he'll come back to you in time. When things went wrong, just sit back and give him time to cool down his ego. He probably just need some space. Pushing him and keep nagging won't bring things anywhere. Sometimes, we girls are just afraid that during those intervals, what if he finds someone else? Well, if he did, he'll still come back to you once he understand your worth. By the way, you can't keep him away for yourself no matter how you try. He's still are going to see many girls everyday in school or just anywhere and it all depends on him on how he will react. Don't worry girls, they have their own brains. They know exactly who they love and who love them too. Its not like just by interacting with other girls in no matter what way, he will change just like that! Trust me, if you're nice enough and understand him well, nothing can change his feelings for you. But if you won't give him space, and keep nagging, he'll assume that you don't understand him and he'll probably been thinking that you're not the one. Scary?

No matter what you think or what your doubts and worries are, never show it. If you have that feelings that he must knows what you feels, then tell him directly! Don't play mind games. If you're mad at him for things that he did, then show it so that he won't repeat it. Boys hate mind games. Once they get tired, they'll quit and that's the end of it. It's kinda hard to change their mind after that.

But hey boys? Let me tell you one secret too! Not every girls gonna love you like truly love you that they'll do anything for you and keep accepting and push herself to understand you. Girls always have one person in their heart. If she felt miserable when things went wrong, that means you're the only person in the world that can make her feel that way. But hey, that can change too! And once girls change their mind, chase them like hell, and she won't come back. You know those phrase, "You don't give a shit, I won't too. Go to hell boy." , once girls are ready to say those lines, she really won't give a shit anymore.

Lastly, girls! Please never be desperate just about anything. You're too precious for that. I'm sure that you know that boys do not appreciate desperate girls. I don't know why, but they just don't. Never act! What you have to do, is keep everything simple. Showing that you love him by telling him and acting like so is more than enough. You are never wrong if you don't owe him anything. If he started to not to give a shit about your relationship anymore, ask him, and let him know how bad you feel in a polite and steady way. Not in an angry and accusing way! If he don't give a shit on that, then stop. Make it balance by waiting for him to respond to you first. Never let the effort comes from you only. There are no such things such as, "Hey, I see that you are not desperate enough so I won't give a shit unless you prove to me that you are desperate." If you have this kind of mentality and if its what keep pushing you to do this and that for the person, then, that person deserves to die. He shouldn't do that to the person he loves. And hey, this applies to boys too! 

In summary, DON'T BE DESPERATE OKAY! THE WORLD IS TOO WIDE FOR YOU TO FOCUS ON ONE THING ONLY!

Be certain on your own principles.

Answering your questions.....---- Truth!

Why are you so sad lately? Did someone break your heart?
Well, first of all, thanks for noticing that I'm sad. Yes I am. But did someone break my heart? I don't know. Maybe? But I think it's just me that think too much. But actually, I got things which is too personal to be shared with anybody. Yeap, TOO PERSONAL. Which means, they can't be shared with anybody just yet. And the last person that I wanted to talk to is unavailable, so yes, that makes me sad. :p


Why you looked so depressed? That is just so not you.
Yeah, I know. Looking so defeated by the situation is just so not me. Honestly, I don't know. Everything felt so out of control lately. I just don't know what to do! Mainly because I really can't do anything and that makes me feel miserable. You know, having that kind of things that you desperately wanted to make it right but are unable to do so because there's no way to it? Yeah, that sucks. A LOT. I am trying. Trying to keep it cool, but it still sucks though. Sometimes when I'm sitting around wondering and without knowing it, I'm frowning over my thought and you caught me. And yeah, I know, I looked miserable. Blep

Why are you avoiding people lately? You don't even stop by to shake hands like you usually do.
Yeah, I know. Lately, almost nobody saw me when I'm going to church, and yeah, I didn't stop by to shake hands and have a little chat. But don't get me wrong, I am not avoiding anybody. I mean, why would I? I miss everybody! Actually, I'm in a rush. I need to get home as soon as I can. Don't ask why, I have my reason.

Yeah right. I saw you in town or etc.
Well, if I'm walking alone, I have business to settle. And if you saw me with company, usually family members, then you got me. That is my business. Even though we looked like shopping, or enjoying our moment, but actually, there are business behind it. No questions, I can't tell what is it because they are TOO PERSONAL and I'm not gonna tell no matter how. Not yet.

You are easily pissed and get easily frustrated!
Ha-ha. Wait, wasn't it was  just me? I thought I am easily pissed all this time. LOL. Yet, I get asked a lot about that lately. Maybe because I get pissed over the smallest matter. Hehe... Well, sorry, if I offend you in any way. Maybe I raised my voice, or rolled my eyes, or ignoring you when you are talking, or saying awful things to you, I am very very sorry. I'm not saying that I don't realize that. I know it but that doesn't mean, I meant to hurt you too! I will not beg you too understand me either. Just to let you know, sometimes I just can't control it, or maybe just don't feel like controlling it because it felt like it was the best thing to do that would make me feel better. I know, selfish right? But there are so many things going on in my head. You know, I can't even have a proper laugh! My mood could shift in a split of second! Like I am going crazy. Huhh~ on the edge of depression, hoho.... that sucks. But really, I am not asking like you don't have feelings, but I hope you won't take anything seriously. Seriously, for your sake.

Your tweet are so depressing. Like you were so disappointed with someone.
Well, Ha-ha, you got me. I know, it was that obvious. You know, you usually posted things that sometimes, you hoped that, 'that' someone would saw and understand that it was meant for them. Classic right? It's an old trick but somehow, they just works. At times. Maybe. I think. To catch some attention? Yes, maybe. I mean, yeah! LOL. It's a shame. Blep. Don't tell me. I used to confront the person when I got something concerning them, but you know what? I end up looking needy! Especially when I tried to talk and tell the person something, but they just seem to, you know... act like they just don't care and yeah, I am not satisfied with their feedback! What more if the person suddenly stop replying my text and then the next day saying sorry because this and that, or worse, said that they fell asleep! Okay, you can tell me you fell asleep if we were talking about Vin Diesel or crap, but when I'm talking personal, you don't end up saying sorry to me the next morning because you fell asleep. And then, don't make me feel guilty if I'm mad because its just a small matter to you. To me, they are not small, at all. If it makes me feel bad, NO, they are not okay AT ALL! Anyway, these are not the main thing. They are just some eanie weanie matters that bugged my mind. The main matters, will remain secrets.

And you know what...

Don't keep saying that you feel bad just about everything and keep saying sorry, then disappear again! Just do it.! When you said that, you wish you could be there for someone, don't say it. Just be there. Even though you can't be there physically, text more or call. It is counted as being there. I mean, you said that you wanted to be there right? Then act like it. It's better you don't say anything when you can't even prove what you were saying. You will only end up making the person felt even more terrible and distrust you. If you're just saying sorry because you felt terrible that you make a person feel bad, then I tell you, that is a very selfish move. You're not making the person feel better, you're making them feel more miserable.  Especially me. "..You're so wrong believe me when you told me you would never leave me by myself, out in the middle of nowhere.."-Selena said. Seriously, don't lie to me. Don't say things that you can't really do or meant or promised me anything just to make me feel better cause that would add my weigh of mind. True facts. 

*Wasn't meant to offend. But you know, just so you know.*

How to be truly happy

Many of us wonders why life isn't fair? Why do certain people get everything good, and some, not? Or worse, why do sometimes it seems like, happiness only happen to certain people, but never on you. You wonder, why, what, and how these people manage to cope with life?

Actually, it's not about fate that determines our happiness. The main keys towards happiness is gratefulness, and a contented heart.

*These all are not professional facts but are genuinely based on my own experiences and consciousness.*

1. Being grateful
The first key are by being grateful. Most of  us focused on our deficiency, failures, and frustration too much. Failures to achieve the desired grades, failures in relationship, and many other factors until we missed the good things that is already in our hands.

Take this as example, you are single and most of your friends, aren't. One sad lonely night, you felt so incredibly sad and lonely! You have no one to talk to! No one to share your weight of mind, and no one to give you comfort and love. Then, you remembered your friend of whom you know are going out with her/his boyfriend/girlfriend tonight and you remembered all the wonderful, romantic stories that your friend are telling you about their dates. Then you thought, "why I never get the chance to experience like that? Am I not pretty enough? Why do nobody wants me? Am I born unlucky? Am I, not worthy enough? Why, why, Why???". Then you started to feel that life was unfair and started to create a set of mind that you, are, miserable. 

Actually, you are none of the above. It's not that you are ugly, unlucky, or are not worthy enough that define your life. Have you ever take a glance over a not so attractive couple at the park or restaurants? Or maybe, only the girl/boy that is attractive and their partner are just plain looking but they looked so happy. Now, what do you think? Does looks count? No. Maybe attractiveness does make a difference, but they are not the main factor. You might asked yourself now, "Then why can't I have a good partner too?" or "Then why nobody likes, or wants to be with me?". Well, pause a while, and rewind. Nobody likes you or wants to be with you huh? Think back, remember the guy/girl that offers you to dinner last time? Or the desperate guy/girl who keeps calling or texting you but you never care? Or maybe, an incredibly nice friend from the opposite sex who was always there for you and always offers themselves to help you? Or the last guy/girl who offers a relationship, but you, rejected him/her? That's right. You overlooked them. Actually, it's not that the chances never get to you, it's you who blocked them all away out of your ego and  unconsciousness.

Or maybe, you started to remember your miserable past relationships and how terrible your love story is. You grieve over the lost of the one you love and thought why should that happen to you. You love them dearly, but they in return, chose to left you. You are frustrated, and sad (Of course). You grieve and grieve and thought about the loss and how much you love and adore the person and wonder why they still don't love you anyway. You thought, life sucks.

Well, stop there. Read back, "...You grieve and grieve and thought about the loss and how much you love and adore the person and wonder why they still don't love you anyway...". Do these people really worth your time, your love, and your attention? The answer is a big "NO". These people are not necessarily bad. You also believe so. They just can't see and understand what they mean to you yet. So you keep hoping and hoping that one big glorious, magical day, they'll see your sacrifice and love, then may as well, will finally love you back. Well, back to reality pals. YOU CAN NEVER FORCE THEM TO LOVE YOU EVEN IF THE MOON COMES DOWN TO EARTH. Maybe, they does love you, but it's not enough to make them stay with you. Maybe, you are not what they are looking for in lovers. 

So how to solve this? Well, firstly, accept the fact that you are not meant together no matter how big your hope and dreams is. I know, I know. That sucks and are incredibly hurtful right? But yet, think back, which is more hurtful? Keep on hoping though you know the truth or accept the fact and move on? The first options may sound more optional but they are there for the long run and will keep throbbing your heart like cancer. The second one? Scary, and sad, but it may open the door to many other possibilities in your life. Allow yourself to experience other experiences. There so much that you are yet to explore in this short life. Remember, life's too short to grieve.

Now look on the bright side. If you think life sucks, then life sucks for everyone. Ask anyone, no matter how victorious their life seems like, which one of them never felt lonely, left, rejected, and heartbroken? If they are human, they did ever felt that. But they manage to overcome it all and turned out to be admirable instead, because they chose to  be strong and did not let themselves be buried under frustrations. 

So how to be grateful? I was taught this method for when praying. Maybe you don't pray. But I tell you, prayer does help a lot for you to see the bright side in life. I was taught that before going to sleep, to remember all the good things that happen today and be thankful for it. Even the little things such as, "Thank you that today, you have given me a chance to still hear the voice of the old friend of mine." because they called you today and you haven't seen them in awhile and you know that you miss them. This way, you will be more conscious about what really makes you happy. Thus, you may also notice all the great things that you have but may have overlooked it. Like for example, having all your beloved family all around you, having awesome friends, a proper education, was financially stable, and for your peaceful environment.

2. Being contented
The main factor that you may not experience full happiness, is because you are not contented. You are always frustrated because nothing ever goes your way. 

Example, you are aiming for and A+ in an examination for certain targeted subjects. However, the paper were extremely difficult! In the end, your result was only a C+! But you are the only one that passes the paper! But yet, you don't get your goal. You are happy, but yet are not contented.

Or maybe, you have someone that you are really close to ie. bestfriend or partner. You are happy, of course. But then, you are still hoping that this person behave in certain ways. Maybe there's something that you want them to do or be but they never does that.

Well, I have been in this *facepalm*. Embarrassing but I'm sharing it anyway for your lesson. Well I have a close friend, significantly from the opposite sex. A perfect friendship but then one day, out of a sudden came this doubt in my head. I thought that he just don't care enough about me. And many other things run in my head. I tried to convinced my self and believe that they are not overall true. Or best, not true at all. But then, I seemed to found fault in everything and was terribly upset! *stupid* I confront him, but we did not argue. Then, I started to realize that I was expecting too much from him. Out of my dissatisfaction, I almost let go one the most incredible person I could ever made friendship with. Apart from that, I also wasted so many days of getting angry and upset.! LOL.

I learned that dissatisfaction happens when we have high expectations. When we set our hopes too high, the probability of being frustrated will also be high. So, in order to be contented, it is best to have no expectations at all but still do your best. Think both ways such that, "how will I feel if things doesn't work out and what reaction should be best to put in?" and, "why do I want it to be that way? Is it best?"

In conclusion, I learned that I should be fully contented with what I already have if I wanted to experience real happiness. Despite for the imperfection of that friend of mine, I should be really grateful for that friendship anyway. How many people are lucky enough to experience such friendship? Not much. So why, because of the little things that he fail to do, I should blew the friendship away? Everyone is imperfect. And so am I. But only through imperfection we may learn something. Imagine having everything perfect in your life. Trust me, it would be boring.*wink* 

*Love yourself*

Authoress: Beverly